6 Sept 2022

NEW YORK SHHHCITTAAAY!

Well, I arrived.

I was a bit hesitant to get on a plane after all the airport travel woes I heard of this past summer. Everything went off without a hitch, except for the 3-hour delay leaving due to no electricity in the airplane kitchen., I wanted to try a cheaper airline than KLM to fly over with, and United won the internet slot search. As usual, hindsight is 20/20. United was just as uptight and bossy as all the other USA airline carriers. I always wonder if the Captain or Head Purser on these flights engages in BDSM role-play? Their never-ending fascination with fastening seat belts is quite stern compared to European airlines. Pat, the passive-aggressive airline attendant is not having it. I mean, who can blame them? I’ll be back soon, KLM!

Anyhoo, my economy seat was next to a Dutch mother and daughter who were both almost 7 feet tall. They didn’t seem uncomfortable, but I haven’t a clue how they scrunched up next to me. We had the perfect rapport, smiling and nodding at each other for 95% of the trip, then speaking the last 10 minutes before landing. That’s not entirely true. The mother asked my permission as she pointed the camera at me in the window direction, asking if it was ok. I knew I looked terrible, and said it was fine, as long as she didn’t film me. She lied and said she wasn’t. Her phone was inches from my face, I was sure to have some schnoz and frizzy hair in there. Her white lie was fine, since I got to witness her excitement of seeing NYC from the air for the very first time

Landing in Newark and traveling to Penn Station was fine, although I was starting to get weary. Jet lag confusion started to set in as I tried to navigate the rat-trap-commuter-maze of subway lines to the East Village. I was supposed to be at a Dazzle Dance rehearsal at 4pm, but started thinking it was the next day, rather than today. Hangry was also kicking in, and I couldn’t decide what or where to go to get something to eat. I had too many favorites to choose from, and none of them were nearby.

I settled on crappy pizza by my X’s apt. The Hawaiian / Jalapeno mix was a nice distraction to my Euro phone not working in the USA. He wasn’t answering the buzzer, and I couldn’t call him for god knows what ever the fucking phone company reason. I hate how that shit brick of technology controls my life.

I realized I looked homeless as I sat down under the scaffolding with my bags and pizza. Lately, I’ve been teetering on the edge of shabby chic, but the shabby seems to be more obvious / prevalent these days. I pretend I’m famous and playfully brush my hair into my face when passersby look at me too long.

Where was he? Does the buzzer not work? Why doesn’t he answer? Why the fuck doesn’t my phone / internet / Facebook not load? What the fuck?! I ended up getting so distracted that I forgot about my rehearsal.

That light bulb went off about an hour and half later, when it was too late to get there. What an idiot. I think I need to add Geritol to my geriatric list of medications.

I only waited outside for 20 minutes before he arrived with a 12 pack of A & W Root Beer. Everything is fine. He looks good. He grew out his beard to ZZ Top length during COVID and has decided to keep it. I like it. I also like that he doesn’t care about comments from his friends who don’t like it. I wish I could dress up as an Elvin Prince and get him to go as Gandalf the Grey to a Comic Con Convention, but that’s never going to happen. 🙂

……Maybe I would have better luck getting him to don a ZZ TOP suit, glasses and hat? ….Maybe I should stop thinking about it?

Anyhoo, while we waited for the dumplings to be delivered, I decided to smoke a cigarette on the balcony, (fire escape). The guy across the street usually puts on a shower show for me. Its behind frosted glass, not sexual, but he does seem to take a long time, with A LOT of vigorous scrubbing. I don’t think it’s exclusively for me, but he has to have seen me sitting across from his top-floor apartment. Today there was someone different though. A couple of floors down.

At first I thought I saw two, upside down legs, or were they pillows? I needed my glasses. What was this rapid movement between them? Was it a woman, fiddle-faddling with herself in some strange position? OH MY GOD! It was a naked guy laying sideways on his couch. It looked like his head was shaved on the sides and was that an eagle tattoo on his chest? Its wings flapped vigorously while he punished his Peter into slaphappy bliss.

It was only 8pm. That is showtime on Broadway, so he was starting on time. The universe is determined to transform me a middle-aged troll by throwing me into these situations. I knew he could see me- I wasn’t trying to hide. And, I think the rule is, if you can see someone, they can see you. I assured myself that I wasn’t going to sit here all night..

I told my X what was happening, and he came over and verified it. Then Mr. Masturbator leaned over and snorted a line of something on the table. Jesus-God, trigger city. I guess it’s good to get them all over at once on arrival. Suddenly, I feel sympathy for him, knowing tomorrow is going to be rough for him.

I wondered if Mr. Masturbator and Mr. Shower Show knew each other? Who the hell was interviewing people to live in that building? Did the ad say EAST VILLAGE / EXTROVERTS ONLY! Must put on nude shows for middle-aged homosexuals across the street. Holy crap- I just remembered the woman from the building next to them, last time I was here. I woke up in the middle of the night and walked to the fridge naked. As I was stuffing my face with cheese, I turned to the window to look out and chew. Then I saw her. A naked woman across the street getting in her fridge. WE WERE DOING THE SAME THING AND STOPPED TO LOOK AT EACH OTHER! Our universal threads had just crossed. More cheese was needed to process….

I’m going to take Mr. Eagle’s Wacky Flapper as a good omen for my trip.