While making morning coffee I noticed the old lady and her dog walking by his shop from my kitchen window. I looked again the next morning and realized she did this every morning at 8:30. She wouldn’t go in and buy anything, but she gave him a little wave, and he would holler hello back. It was so sweet, acknowledging one’s neighbors seems like such a small and nice thing to do. She was being neighborly. I’ve noticed a lot of the other neighbors also stop and share salutations with him.

Neighbors aren’t always nice. This same shop owner who waves hello at the little old ladies strolling by, also channels the anti-christ and spits on our door every morning. He likes to leave a tiny bit of trash where a sidewalk brick is missing in front of our front door. The other day I noticed a perfectly placed banana peel. I can only assume he’d seen that in a cartoon or Charlie Chaplin film and was hoping for a similar outcome.

I heard that he and my upstairs neighbor had a falling out several years ago, and that’s how his loathsome behavior started. I would’ve minded my own beeswax, but I have to look at his dried spit on my door every time I walk in and out. Also, I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but there’s a virus, SPREAD BY MUCOUS DROPLETS, going around. So I’m thinking this behavior might be illegal now. Anyhoo, the other day, I fancied myself a bit of a smarty pants. I went to his doorway and asked him if he’d ever seen anyone spit on our door? I said it was so weird, and I had just noticed it and couldn’t imagine why anyone would do such a thing. While pretending to look at a newspaper, He barely acknowledged me and shook his head no. I told him that I put a camera up so I could catch who’s doing it. I could tell he couldn’t be less concerned. I guess its good I didn’t pursue that Reverse-Psychology Degree after all.

Thinking back about my neighbors in years past is kinda fun. I remember in Denver, when I was hanging a mirror and it fell and shattered on top of my head. Of course, as per usual, I was living alone. I didn’t even realize I had a sliced my head open until I felt the warm blood running down my face. By the time I made it to the bathroom, it was a scene from CARRIE.

Of course, the only towel handy was canary yellow. I tightly wrapped it turban style and calmly started knocking door to door in my hallway, hoping not to scare whomever answered. A young woman finally opened hers and calmly looked me up and down. I said I was hurt, she agreed, and graciously dropped me at the ER. I never saw her again after that.

In NYC the gay guy who lived across from me knocked and came in to gab and show off his latest chunk o’hunk of burning love. That went haywire pretty fast, because, he was VERY CUTE and started to flirt with me. Since I was in in my whore phase, OF COURSE I FLIRTED BACK. What an idiot I was. It never even crossed my mind that it would piss my neighbor off. I finally realized it did when he excused himself and left the two of us in my apartment. OMIGOD- was I tempted- but I did have one scruple left at that time and told him he had to leave and go back to my neighbors apartment. Sheesh. That wasn’t very neighborly of me. My neighbor didn’t stop by to see me anymore after that.

AND OH – DEAR GOD- Amsterdam- first apartment. I had no idea I was living above a drug dealer. All I knew was that he entertained regularly and had a really good sound system. I seem to recall he was also fond of bass. One morning around 3am, when I couldn’t take watching and listening to my water glass vibrate anymore, I decided to pay him a visit. After several knocks, he opened the door and there was a naked woman dancing on on his coffee table. As I admired the quality of her Babylonian seductress moves, he invited me in to join the party. He was so happy I couldn’t bring myself to ruin this moment of joy. I declined his invitation and told him it was a little loud, but that it was fine and I laughed myself back up the stairs. The absolute ridiculousness of the moment persuaded me to let it go. I would let him enjoy this moment on earth that had been magically procured with drugs and alcohol. Sometimes it’s just so hard to have a good time.

The reality is, there are very few of us that have our own private islands. Most of us can’t afford the luxury of not living next to or near someone else. And you know, most of the time, I like neighbors. The idea of making a neighbor a casserole, or borrowing a cup of sugar is one I hope to fulfill one day. Maybe after I join he PTA? It’s human to live in and participate in a society. It’s in our DNA to be kind to each other. DNA doesn’t stand for Don’t be a Neighbor Asshole, it does stand for Delightful Neighbors Always. Do us all a favor and try to be nice to those who live around you (unless you REALLY THINK you can get away with it). I’m not sure what’s going to happen with the asshole shopkeeper neighbor, but I’m not going to let him ruin my day. I’m gonna fake smile at him and continue to be neighborly.